I was given herpes when I lost my virginity to a prostitute in North East Maine in a little fishing village where I was working as a chef one Summer. I was 22 and I was tired of being a virgin so I walked through the streets shouting, “Whore! Whoooore!” until I heard the traditional reply, “Yes John, I’m over here!” like a game of sexual-economic Marco Polo.
We found each other in the town square and negotiated a price with the help of a local auctioneer. Two Lobsters do I hear two lobster from the virgin calling one, holding twice, throw in a massage, do I two, gonna say 3, Vaginal penetration sold for 3 lobsters to the man with the desperate erection!!
I put a rain-slicker on my willy and we had at it right there in the mud of the town square with all the fisher-folk watching and drinking and singing the traditional sex shanty – “sex oh sex, don’t it vex. You give what you get, and you get simplex.” I guess it was also tradition for all Maine sex workers to have herpes.
So I can’t say I didn’t earn my herpes. Even though I was wearing a rubber, I should have known not to make love to a sex-worker in a rainstorm.
And it definitely bummed me out at first but I got over it. I’m making this video so you can get over it too once you get it, or realize you already have it.
1.) The stigma isn’t real!
In the United States we are taught in school that herpes results in horrible sores that will make your junk look termite infested 24/7. We scared kids into thinking STDs are the end of your value as a sexual person in the hopes of scaring them into not having sex. It couldn’t be further from the truth! Herpes makes you more valuable sexually - to people who also have herpes.
Also, if scarcity drives up prices, and you can’t have sex during an outbreak, you’re even more in demand.
Plus herpes crotch tastes like Tropical Skittles.
2.) Love yourself unconditionally
When everything is perfect it’s easy to take yourself for granted. But after you’ve suffered the bruise of rejection, you realize how counterproductive it is to base your self worth off the opinions of others.
Just because the old woman next door think you stick milk carton up your rectum and loudly shout, “There’s a half-gallon up my ass! 2%! It’s Whole Milk. But 2% is still outside my ass! Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t keep your head up and look her in the eye when you see her in the elevator.
If the barista thinks your weird for asking him to make your latte smell like bird urine, doesn’t mean you’re any less sane than anyone.
And just because you carry a virus doesn’t mean your any less clean than anyone else. After all, is the rain-forest dirtier than the grasslands just because it has more species living in it? No stupid.
3.) Go on herpes dating websites
There are plenty of places to meet people who will let you bang without protection! JainistHerpesSingles.com, BlisteringHotPeruvians.com, Outbreak.com (escaped prisoners with herpes), and my personal favorite - hotbuddhistslutswithviralcuts.com
4.) Put it in the water supply so everyone gets it.
Doctors don’t routinely test for Herpes because it’s so harmless in most cases. If you put the least active type of herpes in the water and everyone has it asymptomatically, problem solved! You’ll go to jail for terrorism and I can fuck whoever is attracted to me!
5.) Cure Your Herpes With Ritual Dance
A geneticist who used to work for Big Pharma once told me she worked on a successful cure for herpes but her boss made them lock it up in the freezer because it was unprofitable.
That’s okay because I have a free cure. The shamans of the Bwiti tribe practice this dance to vanquish herpes and rabid ant-eaters.
Do as follows. Look your genitals in the eye. Listen to the rhythm of the virus. Move to that rhythm then switch to the exact opposite rhythm. This will cause the herpes virus to kill itself with embarrassment. Problem solved.
Thanks for watching. If you have herpes and want to share your story anonymously, message me at firstname.lastname@example.org or DM on IG @ndrewsteiner and I’ll talk about it next episode.
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