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I was given herpes when I lost my virginity to a prostitute in North East Maine in a little fishing village where I was working as a chef one Summer. I was 22 and I was tired of being a virgin so I walked through the streets shouting, “Whore! Whoooore!” until I heard the traditional reply, “Yes John, I’m over here!” like a game of sexual-economic Marco Polo.
We found each other in the town square and negotiated a price with the help of a local auctioneer. Two Lobsters do I hear two lobster from the virgin calling one, holding twice, throw in a massage, do I two, gonna say 3, Vaginal penetration sold for 3 lobsters to the man with the desperate erection!!
I put a rain-slicker on my willy and we had at it right there in the mud of the town square with all the fisher-folk watching and drinking and singing the traditional sex shanty – “sex oh sex, don’t it vex. You give what you get, and you get simplex.” I guess it was also tradition for all Maine sex workers to have herpes.
So I can’t say I didn’t earn my herpes. Even though I was wearing a rubber, I should have known not to make love to a sex-worker in a rainstorm.
And it definitely bummed me out at first but I got over it. I’m making this video so you can get over it too once you get it, or realize you already have it.
1.) The stigma isn’t real!
In the United States we are taught in school that herpes results in horrible sores that will make your junk look termite infested 24/7. We scared kids into thinking STDs are the end of your value as a sexual person in the hopes of scaring them into not having sex. It couldn’t be further from the truth! Herpes makes you more valuable sexually - to people who also have herpes.
Also, if scarcity drives up prices, and you can’t have sex during an outbreak, you’re even more in demand.
Plus herpes crotch tastes like Tropical Skittles.
2.) Love yourself unconditionally
When everything is perfect it’s easy to take yourself for granted. But after you’ve suffered the bruise of rejection, you realize how counterproductive it is to base your self worth off the opinions of others.
Just because the old woman next door think you stick milk carton up your rectum and loudly shout, “There’s a half-gallon up my ass! 2%! It’s Whole Milk. But 2% is still outside my ass! Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t keep your head up and look her in the eye when you see her in the elevator.
If the barista thinks your weird for asking him to make your latte smell like bird urine, doesn’t mean you’re any less sane than anyone.
And just because you carry a virus doesn’t mean your any less clean than anyone else. After all, is the rain-forest dirtier than the grasslands just because it has more species living in it? No stupid.
3.) Go on herpes dating websites
There are plenty of places to meet people who will let you bang without protection! JainistHerpesSingles.com, BlisteringHotPeruvians.com, Outbreak.com (escaped prisoners with herpes), and my personal favorite - hotbuddhistslutswithviralcuts.com
4.) Put it in the water supply so everyone gets it.
Doctors don’t routinely test for Herpes because it’s so harmless in most cases. If you put the least active type of herpes in the water and everyone has it asymptomatically, problem solved! You’ll go to jail for terrorism and I can fuck whoever is attracted to me!
5.) Cure Your Herpes With Ritual Dance
A geneticist who used to work for Big Pharma once told me she worked on a successful cure for herpes but her boss made them lock it up in the freezer because it was unprofitable.
That’s okay because I have a free cure. The shamans of the Bwiti tribe practice this dance to vanquish herpes and rabid ant-eaters.
Do as follows. Look your genitals in the eye. Listen to the rhythm of the virus. Move to that rhythm then switch to the exact opposite rhythm. This will cause the herpes virus to kill itself with embarrassment. Problem solved.
Thanks for watching. If you have herpes and want to share your story anonymously, message me at email@example.com or DM on IG @ndrewsteiner and I’ll talk about it next episode.
As always, there’s a video associated with each episode. You can watch it on truekpod.com
I love making this show and all the feedback I get about how it's changed your lives is amazing but it’s a lot of work so if you like it show love by liking and commenting.
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But really I'm just happy that you're watching.
In this time of smart-phones and free pornography it’s all too easy to bypass romance in favor of some cheap thrills and quick release. But that’s a big mistake! Whether you’re in a committed relationship or just “hooking up” your genitals to strangers’, a little friendliness and skill can take your love making to the roof-top observation deck where you can see how beautiful what you’ve been ignoring is and use seagull poop for lubricant.
Tip 1: Be good to each other
If you start the day off fighting about who has the worst steel wool anal rash you will not be in the mood to be tender later. If you make him take out the trash while sucking on a cactus, he will not want to suck on your cactus later. If you leave your dirty dishes in the sink and write the work “cuntz” in Hunt’s on said plate, she will not let you haunt her caunt laterday.
My motto is, be nice for sex. Then keep being nice for more sex.
Tip 2: Talk Dirty, Walk Sexy
Men are visual, women are verbal, non-binaries are Holographic. So you must turn your partner on before you even touch them in the way that suits them best. All through out the day I would whisper to my fiancé, “dick goes in the pussy”. While she poops , “dick goes in the pussy”. While she taught her tambourine lessons, “dick goes in the pussy”. While her parent said grace, “dick goes in His pussy”. And if she wasn’t sopping wet by the time her parents were having sex in our bed, I don’t know moisture.
Tip 3: Get Jiggy Wit It
To quote the Willard Smith Rap Song:
Ciga-cigar right from Cuba-Cuba
I just bite it
It's for the look I don't light it
Illway the amay on the anceday orflay
Give it up jiggy make it feel like foreplay
Cigars are a well-known phallic symbol. Cuba makes the best cigars. Biting a cigar makes for a very unpleasant experience – flecks of dried tobacco do not go down easy! But none-the-less, Big Willy relished his devil-may-care showmanship. Sexually, biting the tip of one’s penis of and not lighting it on fire, can only be equivocated to raw sex (the flecks of tobacco being venereal diseases, or the guilt of spreading them) and the superficial unlit smoking would be not reaching sexual climax. THUS MAKING IT FEEL LIKE FOREPLAY.
Why would someone do this? For everyone else’s pleasure. Big Willy suffered for our enjoyment, and so it should be sometimes so that you might show your lover an unusually sublime night of intercourse and lovemaking. One can only hope, your night to be selfish will also come!
Tip 4: Tell her she’s delicious
Many women and men are self-conscious about how they taste. Often to the extent that they’re unable to relax and enjoy the pleasure they’re receiving. The reason for this fear is that most people’s genitals smell bad most of the time. Either because you don’t wash well and often enough, or because you have unlucky bacteria (maybe your Mom’s vulva stank and she passed it on when she gave birth to you).
My semen is chunky. My ex-girlfriend made it very clear (no pun intended) that this made swallowing a nasty prospect and she never did and it hurt me deeply and that is why I came into the reservoir and now you all drink my cum whether you want to admit it or not.
So anyway, no matter how bad your lover tastes or stinks, don’t tell them. Maybe show with them and ask if you can clean their junk, and say, “wow, your trash heap tastes like ambrosia today! What a coinky-dink!”. Real casual so they don’t suspect you’ve been resenting them this whole time.
But, to my original point, when you’re going down on someone, tell them you love the taste. Make noises like you’re eating ice-cream out of a bowl after your arms have been amputated, your spoons stolen, and your live-in nurse fallen down the stairs.
They will cum harder than ever because of it. “Oooh, your pussy is cookie dough and your clit’s a chocolate chip!”
Tip 5: Invent Your Own Position (Or breathe new life into old classic’s)
Often times I see couples getting stuck in a rut. I watch them through the window every night and they’re doing the same thing over and over. Eventually the sex gets less and less frequent and I’m wasting my time dragging the ladder over half the time. It’s terrible for all of us.
The best way to prevent sex from getting stale is to bring some creativity to it. Just because it’s not going last doesn’t mean sex can’t be art. And it can last if you videotape it!
Take the missionary position for example. So boring it’s named after a no-longer gay neighborhood in San Fransisco - why not gay it up (if you’re straight) or straight it up (if you’re suicidal)?
Take her anux and plascify your meguthra insound of it. When she red-hot the elephonse tole, muck the serum out of her!! She won’t tell Wendy anything!
And if you want to invent your own technique, you’ll have to do some soul searching. Think about what you find most sexy in general? And specifically about your lover? For example, I was hooking up with this non-binary fellow down in Uighur surveillance-state China. I loved the fact that the Chinese government had ze’s DNA sequenced, watched ze’s every move with facial recognition camera and check point in every part of the city. I found ze’s oppression so HOT!! And that made it simple because I find voyeurism hot in general. So the position I came up with was ze waits near the town market, I run up start naked and start pooping molten cheese onto ze’s shoes. Then ze will beat me with an iron rod in front of the whole market and the government to chastise me. It was a most superb and refined pleasure!! We both enjoyed it to the utmost. Unfortunate, his enjoyment was too obvious and ze was sent to a re-education camp. Which is horrible, but very sexy! So let your creativity flow, and create art in your lives TOGETHER!
Thanks for reading! These 5 tips will help bring some magic back into your love life. If you have any questions, or topic requests please e-mail me at TrueKpod@gmail.com
Please do share and tell people about True Knowledge and subscribe on youtube.
Self-defense is extremely important in the unstable times. The stock market is fluctuating and that means Wall Street Traders hopped up on CBD are liable to snap at any moment. Also, if you’re a conservative looking man, any activist might project Trump onto you and attempt to mug your identity. And if you’re a small woman or gayman this can help you over power and confuse a larger opponent.
That’s why I’ve written this article (and the accompanying video seminar and podcast under the same name, True Knowledge.) You MUST be able to walk around knowing you can handle any threat to your
Enough backstory, let’s get to the fun maiming techniques!
Tip 1: Be very aware of your surroundings at all times! Even at the risk of upsetting your date.
Not only will this aid you in recognizing your attacker before they even know they’re going to be attacking that evening, you will also notice environmental factors that can be leveraged to your defense AND OFFENSE (KILL!)
See that penny on the ground? If you can pick it up before you’re in sodomy-range, it can be more deadly than a gun. To throw a coin at piercing velocity you must first line the edge with your index finder, cock your arm, summon all your repressed childhood anger and desire to thrive in this insane world, and with all your body weight (if you didn’t defecate, you’re holding back), launch the penny into the assailant’s brain-pan.
As they die, smear your feces on their lips so their final words will taste of shit, which is their essence.
Other potential improvised weapons include:
Dead birds, Craisins, Homeless California Queensize Bed (Park Bench), Expensive Jewelry, Dog Butt Solids, Twigs, guns someone dropped, earbuds, small joggers, metal water bottles, plastic water bottles, urine, semen, blood, ghost pepper, tortellini al francese, Schmildo.
Tip 2: Carry A Weapon
There are plenty of weapons that are legal to carry without a permit. In Texas you can carry grenades with a prescription for anti-psychotics. Good choices are canes, walking sticks, pepper spray, bad breath tazers, throwing needles, nunchaku (just re-legalized in New York!), metal forks, umbrella-swords, and boomerangs.
Why leave home unprotected?
Tip 3: Carry 2 Weapons
What if two people are trying to force your sex action? Maybe they’re not a team, but they made a fast gentlerapists agreement, you get the butt, I get the ass. You must kill them both. Preferable in one efficient motion. Two weapons just saved you 30 seconds. Now you’ll get to your hair stylist on time!
Tip 4: Practice Diligently
The most common complaint I get is, “Andrew, your techniques didn’t work and now I can’t walk and my family is dead or worse.”
To which I always reply, “How many times did you practice the technique that failed? And sorry about your life.”
The answer is invariably, ‘not enough.’
Bruce Lee once said, “I don’t fear the man who’s practice 1000 kicks 69 times, but the man who’s 69’d 1000 times - For if you are an expert 69’er surely you’ve been practicing your kicks diligently.”
What he said.
Tip 5: Visualize Victory
You cannot win, if during the fight you have already given up. So you must prepare yourself to fight through the tumult and defeat your attacker. Every morning I sit on a cushion facing north-west and a visualize a large genderless creature forcibly trying to drag by the penis. I then imagine marigold coloured energy surging from the suckhole of the earth into my Urisma, coursing through my Golermands, into abdomen and out of my wrists as I bash their chest in with a deer hoof strike. They spit a roman fountain arc of blood into the passive watcher’s faces. Then a beautiful nymph makes love to me on the news. They do not blur my penis because the valor of my victory and has my public nudity.
That’s just what works for me. What’s important is you imagine the attack, your offense, and the aftermath of victory.
Well, that’s the article. Watch the video version and follow me on Instagram @ndrewsteiner. If you would please share or show love financially on venmo @giantfalcon
Bless your Stress and all the rest and remember, Life is Magnificent and Complimentary!
I had the privilege of spending the afternoon with Professor Jeremyah Schur of the University of Lung Expansion in Dusseldorf. What he revealed to me change the way I breathe forever (Succubi, be gone damn you!!! My breath is mine and my trio of familiars only! You shall face out wrath!)
With out further ado, a less-than-accurate transcription of our conversation.
Cardio Secret 1:
I know, it seems obvious, but are you moving while reading this?! Why not??? Start moving!!!!!!! If you’re driving move your hips, work your jaw, flex your pectorals, traps, gluts, hammies. Don’t ever stop. That’s what they want you to do. Because when your body stops, your mind grows sliggush (yes, the Communist version of sluggish), and then you’re more susceptible to advertising for plastic potato noodle cream cheese.
The Lethargic You is less likely to ask for your raise in spandex covered nickels (that’s how you like your money now that you’re committed to wellness, right?) So even if you’re in a meeting, move! Don’t be ashamed to MOVE! They may look at you, but that’s not disgust in their cornflower blue peepers, that’s jealousy, of your courage and dynamic lifestyle! They are made of dairy, you are made of MEAT! Bump it out NOW!!!!
Cardio Secret 2:
Exercise More to Sleep More to Exercise More.
Ideally, evolutionarily, tragically, and elastically we’re all built to exercise. On the plains of the Serenghetti, where our ancestors made their epigenetic fortune, there were two activities — hunt, and sleep. Finding food wasn’t the pathetic convenient drone strike it is today. Proto-hominids had to go through a gladiator-like gauntlet for even the most applesauce-less pork-chop. They would fight Sabertoothed Tricerotops’ with just a ping-pong paddle and a flame-thrower. And they had to drill for oil for the flame-thrower during the battle!
Then they would sleep in the hole they drilled covered in crude oil for up to 18 hours a day! Wow! So nice!!
What does that mean for us? The more you do cardio, the better your body feels, but it still needs to recover. If you do 6 hours of cardio daily, you should be sleeping roughly 3 times that. That’s why you should be making money while you sleep on web cam. While you do cardio you should be fantasizing about touching yourself. That way once you fall asleep, you will subconsciously grope your meatscape, and people on a webcam site will pay you to watch while screaming at the waiter for more chocolate milk.
Cardio Secret 3:
I know, the most exciting thing about cardio is getting injured, but try to restrain yourself. Don’t immediately go Interstitial Glacier Molesting, or enter a Cross-Island Lava Enema-thon. Start with something more gentle, like a holding-in-poop-waddle relay race (don’t worry, the house poop is dry!), or sex with a heavy person who acts light.
You need to build up your muscles so you don’t hurt yourself and wind-up on disability. But if you’d like free money, then by all means, go ahead.
Cardio Secret 4:
Develop and Emulate New Methods of Breathing
Breathing is like most things in life — you’re doing it wrong.
Just because it comes naturally doesn’t mean it’s optimal.Experiment with your breathe. Hold it. Breathe rapidly. Try breathing in through your anus, out through your urethra. Breathe in a way that would make your parents ashamed (Christianity). Breathe asexually, without even a genital tremble. Breathe while dead (receive CPR), then immediately run a marathon. Kill a diplomat, steal his life essence with your breathe, and his license plates; mail them to me.
(All of these examples are purely hypothetical. Any risk of experimentation is assumed by the reader and not by the author or other deities.)
Cardio Secret 5:
Make Cardio Your Priority
The fastest way to increase cardio is to be obsessed. Put cardio before everything. Haven’t eaten? Run. Dying of pneumonia? Run. Your children are being kidnapped? Run after them! But take the scenic route and build that cardio!
You must have priorities in life. If you choose cardio as your #1 priority you won’t be able to help but be excellent at not being tired (until it’s time to sleep for 16 hours). Put cardio before everything and everyone. Remember - other people don’t have feeling or experience suffering until you have great cardio!!
If the world must perish so that you may thrive whilst jogging, so be it!
With those 5 tips you will be the talk of the treadmills!
Thank you for reading.
If you have any questions, comments or concerns, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Any money you may want to donate can be sent via Venmo to @GiantFalcon.
And as always, please share with all of your sexual partners and family members
Please note, this is the blog associated with my show True Knowledge. If you have a weak imagination and need moving picture with your articles you can find that version on Youtube or Instagram by clicking the underlined text in this very sentence. There’s also an audio version on iTunes and Spotify for the hearing impaired. (It’s so loud it’s braille).