I had the privilege of spending the afternoon with Professor Jeremyah Schur of the University of Lung Expansion in Dusseldorf. What he revealed to me change the way I breathe forever (Succubi, be gone damn you!!! My breath is mine and my trio of familiars only! You shall face out wrath!)
With out further ado, a less-than-accurate transcription of our conversation.
Cardio Secret 1:
I know, it seems obvious, but are you moving while reading this?! Why not??? Start moving!!!!!!! If you’re driving move your hips, work your jaw, flex your pectorals, traps, gluts, hammies. Don’t ever stop. That’s what they want you to do. Because when your body stops, your mind grows sliggush (yes, the Communist version of sluggish), and then you’re more susceptible to advertising for plastic potato noodle cream cheese.
The Lethargic You is less likely to ask for your raise in spandex covered nickels (that’s how you like your money now that you’re committed to wellness, right?) So even if you’re in a meeting, move! Don’t be ashamed to MOVE! They may look at you, but that’s not disgust in their cornflower blue peepers, that’s jealousy, of your courage and dynamic lifestyle! They are made of dairy, you are made of MEAT! Bump it out NOW!!!!
Cardio Secret 2:
Exercise More to Sleep More to Exercise More.
Ideally, evolutionarily, tragically, and elastically we’re all built to exercise. On the plains of the Serenghetti, where our ancestors made their epigenetic fortune, there were two activities — hunt, and sleep. Finding food wasn’t the pathetic convenient drone strike it is today. Proto-hominids had to go through a gladiator-like gauntlet for even the most applesauce-less pork-chop. They would fight Sabertoothed Tricerotops’ with just a ping-pong paddle and a flame-thrower. And they had to drill for oil for the flame-thrower during the battle!
Then they would sleep in the hole they drilled covered in crude oil for up to 18 hours a day! Wow! So nice!!
What does that mean for us? The more you do cardio, the better your body feels, but it still needs to recover. If you do 6 hours of cardio daily, you should be sleeping roughly 3 times that. That’s why you should be making money while you sleep on web cam. While you do cardio you should be fantasizing about touching yourself. That way once you fall asleep, you will subconsciously grope your meatscape, and people on a webcam site will pay you to watch while screaming at the waiter for more chocolate milk.
Cardio Secret 3:
I know, the most exciting thing about cardio is getting injured, but try to restrain yourself. Don’t immediately go Interstitial Glacier Molesting, or enter a Cross-Island Lava Enema-thon. Start with something more gentle, like a holding-in-poop-waddle relay race (don’t worry, the house poop is dry!), or sex with a heavy person who acts light.
You need to build up your muscles so you don’t hurt yourself and wind-up on disability. But if you’d like free money, then by all means, go ahead.
Cardio Secret 4:
Develop and Emulate New Methods of Breathing
Breathing is like most things in life — you’re doing it wrong.
Just because it comes naturally doesn’t mean it’s optimal.Experiment with your breathe. Hold it. Breathe rapidly. Try breathing in through your anus, out through your urethra. Breathe in a way that would make your parents ashamed (Christianity). Breathe asexually, without even a genital tremble. Breathe while dead (receive CPR), then immediately run a marathon. Kill a diplomat, steal his life essence with your breathe, and his license plates; mail them to me.
(All of these examples are purely hypothetical. Any risk of experimentation is assumed by the reader and not by the author or other deities.)
Cardio Secret 5:
Make Cardio Your Priority
The fastest way to increase cardio is to be obsessed. Put cardio before everything. Haven’t eaten? Run. Dying of pneumonia? Run. Your children are being kidnapped? Run after them! But take the scenic route and build that cardio!
You must have priorities in life. If you choose cardio as your #1 priority you won’t be able to help but be excellent at not being tired (until it’s time to sleep for 16 hours). Put cardio before everything and everyone. Remember - other people don’t have feeling or experience suffering until you have great cardio!!
If the world must perish so that you may thrive whilst jogging, so be it!
With those 5 tips you will be the talk of the treadmills!
Thank you for reading.
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