5 Keys To Self-Defense

Self-defense is extremely important in the unstable times. The stock market is fluctuating and that means Wall Street Traders hopped up on CBD are liable to snap at any moment. Also, if you’re a conservative looking man, any activist might project Trump onto you and attempt to mug your identity. And if you’re a small woman or gayman this can help you over power and confuse a larger opponent.

 

That’s why I’ve written this article (and the accompanying video seminar and podcast under the same name, True Knowledge.) You MUST be able to walk around knowing you can handle any threat to your

 

Enough backstory, let’s get to the fun maiming techniques!

 

Tip 1: Be very aware of your surroundings at all times! Even at the risk of upsetting your date.

 

Not only will this aid you in recognizing your attacker before they even know they’re going to be attacking that evening, you will also notice environmental factors that can be leveraged to your defense AND OFFENSE (KILL!)

 

See that penny on the ground? If you can pick it up before you’re in sodomy-range, it can be more deadly than a gun. To throw a coin at piercing velocity you must first line the edge with your index finder, cock your arm, summon all your repressed childhood anger and desire to thrive in this insane world, and with all your body weight (if you didn’t defecate, you’re holding back), launch the penny into the assailant’s brain-pan.

 

As they die, smear your feces on their lips so their final words will taste of shit, which is their essence.

 

Other potential improvised weapons include:

 

Dead birds, Craisins, Homeless California Queensize Bed (Park Bench), Expensive Jewelry, Dog Butt Solids, Twigs, guns someone dropped, earbuds, small joggers, metal water bottles, plastic water bottles, urine, semen, blood, ghost pepper, tortellini al francese, Schmildo.

 

Tip 2: Carry A Weapon

 

There are plenty of weapons that are legal to carry without a permit. In Texas you can carry grenades with a prescription for anti-psychotics. Good choices are canes, walking sticks, pepper spray, bad breath tazers, throwing needles, nunchaku (just re-legalized in New York!), metal forks, umbrella-swords, and boomerangs.

 

Why leave home unprotected?

 

Tip 3: Carry 2 Weapons

 

What if two people are trying to force your sex action? Maybe they’re not a team, but they made a fast gentlerapists agreement, you get the butt, I get the ass. You must kill them both. Preferable in one efficient motion. Two weapons just saved you 30 seconds. Now you’ll get to your hair stylist on time!

 

Tip 4:  Practice Diligently

 

The most common complaint I get is, “Andrew, your techniques didn’t work and now I can’t walk and my family is dead or worse.”

 

To which I always reply, “How many times did you practice the technique that failed? And sorry about your life.”

 

The answer is invariably, ‘not enough.’

 

Bruce Lee once said, “I don’t fear the man who’s practice 1000 kicks 69 times, but the man who’s 69’d 1000 times - For if you are an expert 69’er surely you’ve been practicing your kicks diligently.”

 

What he said.

 

Tip 5: Visualize Victory

 

You cannot win, if during the fight you have already given up. So you must prepare yourself to fight through the tumult and defeat your attacker. Every morning I sit on a cushion facing north-west and a visualize a large genderless creature forcibly trying to drag by the penis. I then imagine marigold coloured energy surging from the suckhole of the earth into my Urisma, coursing through my Golermands, into abdomen and out of my wrists as I bash their chest in with a deer hoof strike. They spit a roman fountain arc of blood into the passive watcher’s faces. Then a beautiful nymph makes love to me on the news. They do not blur my penis because the valor of my victory and has my public nudity.

 

That’s just what works for me. What’s important is you imagine the attack, your offense, and the aftermath of victory.

 

Well, that’s the article. Watch the video version and follow me on Instagram @ndrewsteiner. If you would please share or show love financially on venmo @giantfalcon

Bless your Stress and all the rest and remember, Life is Magnificent and Complimentary!