In this time of smart-phones and free pornography it’s all too easy to bypass romance in favor of some cheap thrills and quick release. But that’s a big mistake! Whether you’re in a committed relationship or just “hooking up” your genitals to strangers’, a little friendliness and skill can take your love making to the roof-top observation deck where you can see how beautiful what you’ve been ignoring is and use seagull poop for lubricant.
Tip 1: Be good to each other
If you start the day off fighting about who has the worst steel wool anal rash you will not be in the mood to be tender later. If you make him take out the trash while sucking on a cactus, he will not want to suck on your cactus later. If you leave your dirty dishes in the sink and write the work “cuntz” in Hunt’s on said plate, she will not let you haunt her caunt laterday.
My motto is, be nice for sex. Then keep being nice for more sex.
Tip 2: Talk Dirty, Walk Sexy
Men are visual, women are verbal, non-binaries are Holographic. So you must turn your partner on before you even touch them in the way that suits them best. All through out the day I would whisper to my fiancé, “dick goes in the pussy”. While she poops , “dick goes in the pussy”. While she taught her tambourine lessons, “dick goes in the pussy”. While her parent said grace, “dick goes in His pussy”. And if she wasn’t sopping wet by the time her parents were having sex in our bed, I don’t know moisture.
Tip 3: Get Jiggy Wit It
To quote the Willard Smith Rap Song:
Ciga-cigar right from Cuba-Cuba I just bite it It's for the look I don't light it Illway the amay on the anceday orflay Give it up jiggy make it feel like foreplay
Cigars are a well-known phallic symbol. Cuba makes the best cigars. Biting a cigar makes for a very unpleasant experience – flecks of dried tobacco do not go down easy! But none-the-less, Big Willy relished his devil-may-care showmanship. Sexually, biting the tip of one’s penis of and not lighting it on fire, can only be equivocated to raw sex (the flecks of tobacco being venereal diseases, or the guilt of spreading them) and the superficial unlit smoking would be not reaching sexual climax. THUS MAKING IT FEEL LIKE FOREPLAY.
Why would someone do this? For everyone else’s pleasure. Big Willy suffered for our enjoyment, and so it should be sometimes so that you might show your lover an unusually sublime night of intercourse and lovemaking. One can only hope, your night to be selfish will also come!
Tip 4: Tell her she’s delicious
Many women and men are self-conscious about how they taste. Often to the extent that they’re unable to relax and enjoy the pleasure they’re receiving. The reason for this fear is that most people’s genitals smell bad most of the time. Either because you don’t wash well and often enough, or because you have unlucky bacteria (maybe your Mom’s vulva stank and she passed it on when she gave birth to you).
My semen is chunky. My ex-girlfriend made it very clear (no pun intended) that this made swallowing a nasty prospect and she never did and it hurt me deeply and that is why I came into the reservoir and now you all drink my cum whether you want to admit it or not.
So anyway, no matter how bad your lover tastes or stinks, don’t tell them. Maybe show with them and ask if you can clean their junk, and say, “wow, your trash heap tastes like ambrosia today! What a coinky-dink!”. Real casual so they don’t suspect you’ve been resenting them this whole time.
But, to my original point, when you’re going down on someone, tell them you love the taste. Make noises like you’re eating ice-cream out of a bowl after your arms have been amputated, your spoons stolen, and your live-in nurse fallen down the stairs.
They will cum harder than ever because of it. “Oooh, your pussy is cookie dough and your clit’s a chocolate chip!”
Tip 5: Invent Your Own Position (Or breathe new life into old classic’s)
Often times I see couples getting stuck in a rut. I watch them through the window every night and they’re doing the same thing over and over. Eventually the sex gets less and less frequent and I’m wasting my time dragging the ladder over half the time. It’s terrible for all of us.
The best way to prevent sex from getting stale is to bring some creativity to it. Just because it’s not going last doesn’t mean sex can’t be art. And it can last if you videotape it!
Take the missionary position for example. So boring it’s named after a no-longer gay neighborhood in San Fransisco - why not gay it up (if you’re straight) or straight it up (if you’re suicidal)?
Take her anux and plascify your meguthra insound of it. When she red-hot the elephonse tole, muck the serum out of her!! She won’t tell Wendy anything!
And if you want to invent your own technique, you’ll have to do some soul searching. Think about what you find most sexy in general? And specifically about your lover? For example, I was hooking up with this non-binary fellow down in Uighur surveillance-state China. I loved the fact that the Chinese government had ze’s DNA sequenced, watched ze’s every move with facial recognition camera and check point in every part of the city. I found ze’s oppression so HOT!! And that made it simple because I find voyeurism hot in general. So the position I came up with was ze waits near the town market, I run up start naked and start pooping molten cheese onto ze’s shoes. Then ze will beat me with an iron rod in front of the whole market and the government to chastise me. It was a most superb and refined pleasure!! We both enjoyed it to the utmost. Unfortunate, his enjoyment was too obvious and ze was sent to a re-education camp. Which is horrible, but very sexy! So let your creativity flow, and create art in your lives TOGETHER!
Thanks for reading! These 5 tips will help bring some magic back into your love life. If you have any questions, or topic requests please e-mail me at TrueKpod@gmail.com